I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
