Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
