So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
