Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
