At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
