Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
