my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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