I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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