i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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