I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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