this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
