i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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