Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
