see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
