Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
