we're chasing vodka with high fives
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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