Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
