I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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