I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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