He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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