If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
