I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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