So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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