you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Found the puke drawer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
