I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
