Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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