There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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