I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
