you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
