Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
