Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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