if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
