apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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