Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
