I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
