It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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