It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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