Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
