I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My liver just broke up with me...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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