My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can I color on your dick again?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
