My liver just broke up with me...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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