my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
