If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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