So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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