Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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