I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
