you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
