Jerry, you need to find god
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
