i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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