Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
