Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
