he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
