evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
