I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
