last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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