glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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