he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
